Ten Times William Murdoch Had An Out of William Experience
by Fallenbelle2
Summary: The forum has featured some conversations about what William is capable of when he has an "out of William experience", and this is my attempt to explore some of those scenarios that helped make our beloved hero who he is. The story is in chronological order beginning pre-series.


Title: 10 Times When William Had an "Out of William" Experience

Author: Fallenbelle2

Rating: T/Borderline M-ish in some spots

Notes: The forum has featured some conversations about what William is capable of when he has an "out of William experience", and this is my attempt to explore some of those scenarios that helped make our beloved hero who he is. The story is in chronological order beginning pre-series.

Warning: Features William/Other and William/Julia, but fear not, it ends with William/Julia.

* * *

1.) At the River

Father Keegan had told him and the other boys after their catechism lessons that as they grew older, they might want to seek the pleasure of the company of the young ladies of the village, but they must always strive to remain pure of heart and action.

 _Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18)_

Initially, William had scoffed. The girls of his age were frivolous and quite bothersome if he had to tell the truth, and William didn't think he'd ever much desire to spend time with such a creature. However, as the girls who were a few years older than he began to put their hair up, skirts down, and wore undergarments that restricted their movements in such a beguiling way while creating and showcasing the most intriguing curves, William began to see where one might find them irresistible and intriguing, but still didn't think too much about it-other than wonder how the corsets that were responsible for such things actually worked.

However, the summer he turned 12 and won the Governor General Young Scholar competition for Nova Scotia, he met a fellow participant, Freddie Pink. Not at all a boy as all the participants were assumed to be, William nonetheless sought out her company. He found himself looking for her when she wasn't with him, and enjoyed working on solving the mystery of the murder of Glen Singer with her and found her keen intellect and sharp mind most intriguing. In fact, he preferred her company to that of the other boys who were also quite bright, and he wondered why that was. At first, he balked at the idea that he preferred her conversation and companionship merely because she was a girl, but at night in his bunk when he had uninterrupted time to ponder the situation, he couldn't deny that he thought it strange that he enjoyed smelling her and often wondered what it would be like to touch or even kiss her – something he would never dare do in real life!

As intriguing as such thoughts were, he also knew that they were sinful and would lead to impure thoughts as Father Keegan and the Bible had instructed them, and he generally tried his best to clear his mind of such thoughts.

 _But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:28)_

After one such night where he'd been particularly troubled with thoughts of what her body would feel like against his, he roused early, and sought the relief of an early morning dip in the cold creek to clear his mind and cool his body when he encountered her.

Having decided to take advantage of the early hour and an opportunity to bathe before the boys rose for the day, Freddie had beaten him to the typical bathing spot, and was herself performing her daily ablutions. Like one of the water nymphs featured in one of the books about the Renaissance that Father Keegan allowed him to look at, in shallow water, all her pre-womanly attributes on display for William to clearly behold.

Without realizing what he was doing, he hid behind the tree and continued to gaze upon her nude form, mesmerized by the water that trickled between her small breasts and down her body to disappear between her thighs. Again, he was overcome by a desire to kiss her and mold himself against her body, wondering once again what she would feel like against him as he fantasized about how pleasurable it would feel to rub himself against her.

His imagination running amok with such an encounter, he realized too late the grievous sin he had just committed, and was overcome with immense shame when he realized the lustful intents his mind had just conjured up. He waited until she had turned around and bent over to wet her hair (oh, dear God the jolt he felt in his groin when she did that) and seizing his chance, snuck back to the cabin where he grabbed his rosary and began reciting Hail Mary's to ease his conscience.

Tormented at his disgraceful thoughts towards someone he considered a friend, and appalled at his sinful behavior, William said little most of the day, too ashamed to speak to Freddie lest she know how he felt about her. Though she noticed that something had changed between them, and constantly asked him if the cat got his tongue or if he'd suddenly gone mute, Freddie never explicitly asked what was bothering him, although he wouldn't be surprised if she had figured out his reprehensible secret. Blessedly, the group all returned to their homes the next day and while William despaired at the thought of never seeing Freddie again, perhaps it was for the best and yet another blessing from God.

* * *

2.) The School Social

While there were those who believed that 16 year old William Murdoch was pure of thought and action, he most assuredly was not. His friend Eddie always teased him about his body being the Lord's temple, and physically, William supposed that was true, as he did not partake of the liquor and tobacco the other boys often snuck in when no one was looking.

But mentally, well that was a different story. William couldn't help but fantasize about the young ladies he met and encountered in his daily life, from the tantalizing curves of Bridget, the maid who swept and mopped the floors of the school and church (oh how William loved to watch her scrubbing the floor, her pert bottom sticking up in the air as she did so), to the girls being educated at the convent located the next town over.

Not that they had a great deal of interaction with one another, but every so often, the Jesuits priests and Ursuline nuns brought their charges together so that they would properly learn to socialize with one another so that they would be more knowledgeable about life in the real world. Before each visit, manners appropriate to dealing with the opposite sex were taught and reviewed. Always bow just so to kiss a proffered hand. Stand whenever a lady arrived and departed a table. Always offer your arm to escort her somewhere, never let your eyes drop lower than her face, never stare at her body, and so on. It was with the last few details where William failed and based on the crude discussions that his classmates had about various women, William knew he wasn't the only one. However, William never joined these discussions, and so, the other boys thought him pious and possibly even queer and would occasionally tease him about it.

How wrong they were, William thought to himself each time the accusation was lobbed. He just cryptically smiled in response and said nothing.

But it was at one of these educationally focused social gatherings (heavily chaperoned, of course) that William met Mary Shanaghan, a tall, shapely young lady with blonde curls piled high atop her head and mesmerizing green eyes like emeralds. Try as he might, William couldn't tear his eyes away from her, and found himself lurking in the shadowy corners of the fellowship hall, watching her move and interact with others, lust in his heart. Finally losing sight of her, he was about to cite fatigue and return to his room (one that he shared with numerous other boys) to read and enjoy the peace and solitude before their return while he could.

However, on his way out, and from seemingly nowhere, Mary found him, and grabbed his bicep, stopping him in his tracks.

"Would you mind accompanying me outside? I find the air in here most cloying and a bit of fresh air would do me good," she asked him.

Looking at one of the ever-present chaperones for permission, and because of his pious reputation, permission was granted.

Offering his arm to her as a gentleman should (something he'd been taught by the Jesuits), William smiled and replied that he'd be delighted. In truth, he was. He was getting to spend some time alone with the object of this evening's desires.

They had made one circuit around the building, making small talk and getting to know one another when on their second turn around the structure, Mary grabbed him and pushed him against the brick wall, molding her body to his.

He may have been inexperienced, but instinct and his knowledge gained from novels took over, and before he realized it, his hands roamed over her body, committing to memory her curves and supple flesh that yielded ever so delectably to his hands and the taste of her mouth that eagerly accepted his first shy kiss and quickly exchanged it for her tongue in his mouth. Responding in kind, he found himself wanting more of her, and was contemplating what that might be and how he might achieve it when he heard the footsteps of the chaperone coming to check on them. Pulling apart and catching their breaths, William wondered what was going to happen at being caught outside behaving so improperly.

William began to tremble in guilt: he'd broken the rules and his pious, studious reputation was in tatters. At best, the other lads would find out and tease him mercilessly about his adventures, followed by insufferable questions wanting to know what "it" was like. At worst, he could be sent back to Nova Scotia in shame.

Mary it seems, was more practiced in these things, and quickly explained to the priest that she felt quite dizzy and William was assisting her. While Father Evans did not argue or question her claim, he nonetheless wordlessly escorted them back to the hall, where one of the nuns hurriedly made arrangements to take Mary back to the convent. As per his original plan, William begged permission to return to his room to read and reflect, fervently hoping that no one had noted his indiscretion.

Looking at him long and hard, Father Evans agreed to allow William to retire from the festivities. Breathing a sigh of relief as he began the walk back to his dormitory, Father Evans called him back.

"William, though they may be the fairer sex and assuredly deserving and in need of our protection, sometimes a man must take care to seek the protection of the Lord against them lest they ensnare the unassuming," the older man cautioned.

"Yes, sir," William answered while nodding his head to convey that he heard the priest before turning around and resuming his journey.

Though he had wanted to spend the remainder of his evening reading some of the treatises of Sir Isaac Newton given to him by Father Evans, William found it impossible to concentrate, instead contemplating the events of just a short while ago. While he had not initiated it, he couldn't say that he hadn't enjoyed it-on the contrary, he most assuredly had as he felt his body respond again to the memory of hers pressing deliciously against his.

For quite some time now, the priests had asked him whether or not he planned on staying with the brotherhood and taking his vows after he completed his schooling next year, and though William found the idea of serving the Lord in such a way pleasing, he wasn't sure if this was truly God's plan for him.

Though he wasn't sure what it was that he wanted to do with his life, if he were honest, he was becoming more and more convinced that honestly and unreservedly undertaking the vows of the priesthood was not for him. He had no problems with committing to obedience and poverty per se, but he harbored grave doubts as to whether he could adhere to the vow of celibacy if his near constant inappropriate thoughts of various ladies or his enjoyment of Mary Shanaghan earlier in the evening were any indication.

Readying himself for bed and blowing out his candle, William recited Hail Marys until he fell asleep lest he fantasize about how much he had enjoyed his body's reaction to Mary.

That night his conscience betrayed him and he dreamt of what might have happened with Mary if they hadn't been interrupted. He imagined the delicious contrast of both pain and pleasure as he rubbed himself up against her, having flipped their positions to pin her against the wall.

When it was time to next make confession, William was further chagrined to learn that it was Father Evans turn to listen and offer penance.

William gulped and made his way to the booth where he confessed all.

* * *

3.) Summer of '81

With the kind and gentle guidance of Father Evans and ultimately deciding that the life of the priesthood wasn't for him, William completed his schooling at 17, and left for the wider world to seek his fortune; whatever that may be. He still hadn't decided what occupation he would ultimately choose, but the previous winter, he'd gone to a logging camp up north to earn and save some money and now he worked as a ranch hand before he returned up north to logging camps in the autumn.

July 3rd, 1881 dawned bright and clear and despite his efforts to keep it a secret, word that it was his 18th birthday got around the ranch, and that night, the other men made it a point to take him into town and to a bar wherein they insisted he drink with them to mark the occasion. Despite his misgivings at such an activity, in an effort to prove himself as much a man as they were, William complied.

Being that it was the first time he had ever imbibed, it didn't take William long to become inebriated and lose control of his full mental faculties; as such, he was not his usual perceptive self. Thus, William hadn't noticed that the other men had migrated to the bar and had sent a pretty young girl to his table to take their place. Her name was Betty and she had just arrived a few weeks ago to the town to earn her living.

Naïve innocent that he was, William wondered how it was that a pretty young girl earned a living in a ranch town, and asked as such, assuming that she was a waitress or a barmaid.

Smiling, she took his hand as she stood up taking him with her. William thought that perhaps she wanted to dance, and his body immediately responded with delight to the thought of contact with an attractive lady.

"So William, this is your first time I take it? I shall have to be extra gentle then, won't I?" she told him as she led him to one of the rooms upstairs instead of the dance floor.

In his alcohol-fogged mind, William caught the girl's profession and intentions too late and he struggled to think of a polite way to extract himself from this situation.

"Miss, I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding…I simply can't…" William flailed for the correct words, but ultimately failed.

"No need to worry, William. I'm your birthday present from your friends. Just relax and enjoy," she informed him as she finally led him up the stairs.

With his heart pounding, he looked at his friends in a final move of desperation, who cheered and hooted at his ascent into the den of inequity. "Time to become a man, William," one of them shouted as he reached the landing.

If he said that he hadn't enjoyed the event at all, he would have been lying. The experience had actually been quite pleasant, and William had enjoyed Betty's talents no fewer than three times, gaining experience and practical knowledge to supplement what his imagination had long supposed what the act of physical love must entail.

Despite his earlier trepidation, he'd left the bar/brothel in good spirits, but he soon began to feel ambivalent on his walk back to the ranch.

With the effects of the alcohol wearing off and his mind finally able to once again form and string together coherent thoughts, the enormity of the situation hit him like a ton of bricks.

He'd meant to save himself for marriage, he'd wanted his wife and he to learn about the arts of lovemaking with one another. Not only had he let down his future bride, but he'd also broken his promise to God that he'd wait until marriage.

What if he'd gotten Betty pregnant? He'd have to marry her-his honor demanding it. He would have to get a permanent job at one of the ranches, no longer able to explore what the world had to offer him. What if he'd caught one of those French diseases he'd heard about in conversation with the other men?

He stopped by the side of the road, and clutching a fence post, he threw up. His life was ruined. Dropping to his knees, he prayed that he hadn't just made the biggest mistake of his life before it had even begun.

* * *

4.) Sunday in the Park

At the age of 30, William had worked hard to attain everything that he had ever wanted. He'd eventually decided to make his way to the quickly expanding city of Toronto and seek his fortune as a member of the constabulary there. He'd begun as a lowly constable, but he'd immediately impressed his superiors and quickly moved up the ranks to acting detective and finally full detective at Station House #4.

He'd also decided that it was the perfect time to take a bride, and it hadn't taken long before he'd fallen in love with a lovely schoolteacher from his church, Liza Milner and they were soon engaged-largely at her insistence. As such, Liza wanted to marry sooner rather than later, but William was trying to save as much money as he could to purchase them a house.

Thus, it was a lovely Sunday afternoon in late summer and they had just finished a picnic lunch he'd packed for them. Liza was resplendent in a red dress that favored her dark hair and eyes, and with the food and accouterments put away, it hadn't taken long for a few chaste kisses to become quite heated, and before either realized it, the two were rolling around on the ground with one another, the passion becoming most ardent.

Lying on his back staring up at her, he admired how the afternoon sunlight framed her like a halo, picking up on the subtle variations in her hair. Reaching an arm up to caress her face, his body reminded him what he needed _and_ wanted, and without thinking about it, he rolled her over to where she was firmly tucked under him, his hand running up and down her ribcage seeking contact with her feminine attributes and quickly growing frustrated at being denied contact with her flesh beneath her corset and clothes.

Grunting in frustration, and without fully realizing what he was doing, his hand began to unbutton her bodice, so eager was he to get the treasures there that awaited him.

"William, wait," Liza giggled, "we're not yet married and anyone can find us here," she reminded him.

But his ardor did not want to be cooled that afternoon, and his mind sought counterarguments to her pleas.

"We're engaged, close enough," his voice, husky with desire tried to reassure her. "Also, we're well hidden, no one will see us here," he pleaded.

He'd been so good for so long, and while Liza was undoubtedly a virgin who had saved herself for her wedding night, William felt it was close enough and he was ready to become one with her now, on this very afternoon. His body demanded it as he realized that he was vigorously rubbing himself against her leg as though he were a rutting animal.

It was but a brief look that crossed her face, but William caught it. She would acquiesce to his demands, no matter how uncomfortable it made her, and while he desperately wanted her, he had never forced himself on a lady, and would not start now. William felt her body go limp as she spread her legs as much as her skirts would allow and thrust out her chest to better offer her breast to William, who had by now unfastened her bodice and had freed a singular breast from the confines of her chemise, rolling her nipple between his thumb and index finger, just as one of his books had instructed.

He knew that as his fiancée and soon to be good Catholic wife, she would not rebuff his advances and would submit to him as he desired, and though traditional he may be, he had no interest in forcing her or any other woman for that matter to cater to his needs and urges.

Sighing, he pulled up her chemise and rolled off of her as abruptly as he had begun the whole affair. He had always thought himself a gentleman and would strive to behave as such in manner and not just name only. Turning his back to her as she put herself back together, he apologized for his vile actions.

Escorting her home, he apologized for his behavior repeatedly and how ashamed he was, offering to make it up to her next week.

"William, perhaps now you understand why it is past time that we marry," she replied, stroking his cheek while laughing.

"Perhaps you're right," he conceded with a smile.

But as the next Sunday rolled around, Liza hadn't made it to church, instead staying home with a sudden illness that had befallen her and most of the residents of her boarding house.

In fact, William never did get a chance to make it up to her, as she never recovered, dying a few short weeks later.

* * *

5.) High on Love

When Liza had passed away, William didn't think that he would ever love again, and had decided that he would likely never marry. But it seems that fate had other plans for him as the pretty but also quite brilliant coroner with whom he worked was undoubtedly most intriguing, and despite his orders, his heart had disobeyed his mind and had fallen for another woman.

While their chemistry was undeniable, they still had their considerable differences. He was quite conservative and bound by the guidelines of both society and church, while she seemed quite happy to disregard and flout them at her will. He'd been an orphan who'd pulled himself up by his own bootstraps as though he were like some character from a Horatio Alger novel, while she'd had every advantage seemingly served to her on a silver platter. But William knew that it wasn't that cut and dry; she'd had to fight for her education, dreams, and desires like he had, and though he was a white male, he understood and identified with her struggles and the discrimination she faced on account of her sex, as his religious beliefs also often left him on the outside looking in.

Though it had begun as a slow burn, their courtship ignited with a burst with the help of some liquid courage from a bottle of absinthe. Then, just as suddenly as it had begun, it was over. Her abortion had shocked him, but after some thought and recollection, he decided that it didn't change his feelings for her, and offered an olive branch in the form of an invitation to a battery exhibit, which she had rebuffed.

Further reflection and thought led William to admit that perhaps a battery exhibit was perhaps not the most romantic of endeavors with which to woo someone back.

As he racked his brain for the perfect action and words to demonstrate to her that her past was indeed her past, an encounter with a young widow named Enid Jones offered him an alternative.

Rather than pursue her (as he had been forced to do with Julia), Enid pursued him, an arrangement William was comfortable with, and he figured that it was for the best. Though their short time together was incredible, perhaps Julia was just too modern, too different from him, and that perhaps someone like Enid was more his speed with her more traditional values and desires.

Only, it didn't take him too long to discover that she wasn't. After Julia, William found Enid's predictability stifling, and her tendency to agree with everything he said boring. After having become accustomed to Julia challenging him mentally, spiritually, and romantically, William found Enid, lovely though she was, rather unremarkable whereas Julia had been spectacular.

With Julia, he'd been soaring high in the clouds, and with Enid, he was firmly on the ground. Predictably safe and appropriate as was his typical custom. He didn't care for it.

Thus, when Enid had confronted him about his feelings for Julia, he didn't deny it, and took his leave. Even knowing that Julia was possibly courting with someone else didn't deter him. Julia was the one for him; his heart and soul knew it, he just needed to overcome his pragmatic mind that held him firmly grounded and to take the leap as it were.

But he had no idea that he would literally have to make an actual, physical leap as he'd found Julia boarding a hot-air balloon.

But leapt he did, knowing it was now or never, and as the balloon climbed away from the earth, William felt what he could only describe as an overwhelming "wrongness" fall away from him. He was in the clouds again, and it did his heart good. This was where he was meant to be, and praise God, not only was Julia here with him, she was also willing to fly with him again.

After the nervous chatter about the first balloon flights had stilled, they stared at one another in anticipatory silence, waiting for the other one to say or do something first.

"So, William, here we are, alone. You said nothing was right. What do you mean by that?" Julia was the first to break the silence and immediately, William chastised himself for not being braver and making the first move himself.

"There was nothing wrong, but it wasn't right either, Julia," he replied, struggling for the words that expressed his heart.

Laughing, she looked at him up and down, as though she were a cat about to eat the canary. "Tell me, William. What wasn't right with the world?" she pressed.

"Not being able to hold you or even just simply enjoy your company has been awful, but now that you're here, with me, in the clouds, all is right with the world it seems," he blurted out before the courage to speak his heart left him again.

Stepping towards her and taking her into his arms, he moaned at the incredible physical and emotional sensations that pleasure of contact with her body that holding her in his arms brought. Never again would he take such a simple pleasure for granted again.

Cupping her face in his hand, he leaned in for a kiss. "Oh, but now all is well, Julia. No, it's better than that, it's wonderful."

* * *

6.) Predilections and Sins

While it technically wasn't physical congress, William was sure that the priests would consider what he did with Julia a sin.

But to confess was to admit that one was sorry for their actions and that one planned on sinning no more. He wasn't sorry, and he had every intention of continuing with his current activities.

He had not bedded her in the traditional sense of the word, but William had to admit that they were on a slippery slope to doing just that. It had begun with a late night at her house in which she had convinced him to stay. He agreed, thinking he would stay in her guest room, only to have her lead him to her room where she pulled him in and closed the door-effectively ending any argument he might make at the arrangement.

"I won't take no for an answer, William. We can enjoy one another's company without making love," she informed him, removing his jacket, vest, and suspenders before making quick work of his tie.

His only response was a moan and a silent prayer. "Please God, help me to be strong."

Thus, they hadn't made love, they'd simply undressed to their undergarments, slipped into her soft bed, and kissed, stroked, and caressed one another. It was most pleasurable, but William was finding it increasingly hard to resist the urge to roll onto her, uniting their flesh as one.

Sensing his struggle, Julia cooled things down by laying her head on his chest and stroking his temple, beginning a conversation about phrenology.

It worked, his ardor sufficiently cooled without frustration, William enjoyed the conversation mixed with comfortable intimacy, and figured this is what people meant by pillow talk. It was one of the happiest nights of his life, and William knew that if this was a preview of coming events or what marriage to Julia would be like, then he truly had found the one God meant for him (not that he wasn't already sure of it.)

Not that they were always so well behaved. Somehow, Julia had deduced that he was secretly thrilled at the thought of being caught in a compromising position, and one night when they were reasonably sure they were alone at the station, Julia had presented him with his birthday present-fellating him at his desk in the dark, quiet station.

Of course he'd been scandalized, shocked, and terrified of being caught. Of course it was also one of the most exciting things he had ever done. Of course one good turn deserved another, and a few days later he returned the favor by orally pleasuring Julia at Hanlan's Point on a hot July night-happily accepting her direction to better improve the technique he'd studied in his reading.

William had been convinced before, but with this, he received further confirmation that Julia was the woman for him and no other would ever do. Now all he had to do was prove himself worthy of her hand in marriage by saving for a house and an engagement ring that honored her.

* * *

7.) Killing Darcy

He'd never considered himself capable of murder or even a violent man, yet here he was, contemplating how he, a man who held the law above all else, with all of his knowledge in criminal activities, might commit the perfect murder. It was the only way he knew to solve his problem, one Dr. Darcy Garland.

For the briefest of moments as he had journeyed back from Buffalo, he considered praying for Garland's sudden death before his analytical mind pointed out to him that if he hadn't been so passive (again!) a few months ago, Julia might never have left for Buffalo, and she would never have become engaged to Garland so quickly.

No, this was a problem he needed to solve himself, but how? Confessing all to Julia and begging her to break her engagement would never do, as promises had been made, and she was bound to them unless suitable grounds could be provided for her to cite. With this aim in mind, he had disguised himself and discreetly tailed Garland from a safe distance, hoping to find evidence that he was not the gentleman he claimed to be. But no such proof was to be had, and ultimately, William had to concede that he was the one who was no gentleman.

With no discernible way to defame Garland's character, he lay in his bed night after night, mulling over what might be the best option for solving his problem and reviewing the myriad of ways it could be done, which he soon concluded was Garland's death.

Hiring someone else to do the dirty work would not only save him the unpleasant task of literally having blood on his hands, it would also provide him with the perfect alibi when suspicions inevitably turned to him as the jilted former lover. It also wouldn't be particularly problematic per se, as he knew very well which taverns down at the docks would feature men more than willing to do the job for a fair yet reasonable price.

But that also left the problem that involving more than one person in your scheme increased the chances of being discovered. His hired killer may lose his nerve, or may make a mistake and the whole sordid mess could easily be traced back to him, which would defeat his end goal: getting Julia back.

No, if it were going to be done, he'd have to do it himself, and the question was, could he do it himself? He'd always said that the two main motives for murder were money and love; he wouldn't be the first to kill for love and he knew he certainly wouldn't be the last. But was he really capable of killing? His classmates at the Jesuit school had called him God's star pupil, but what would they say now if they learned of the hate in his heart?

Laughing bitterly at the man he had become, he suddenly remembered the verses taught to him in his catechism: _There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers. (Proverbs 6:16-19)_

As soon as he recalled the verse, he wept in shame and begged God's forgiveness: he had lied when he shook hands with Darcy and congratulated him on his engagement-he wasn't happy for the man; he had attempted to sabotage Julia's engagement to the man; had contemplated killing Darcy because he'd once again been passive with Julia and had failed to propose to her when he should have; he had even thought about how he would carry out Darcy's murder.

No. Julia had made her choice, and he had to accept that it wasn't him; he had to cede defeat. The woman he had been so sure that God had meant for him was forever lost to him because of his passiveness, and there was no one to blame for that save for himself. After hours of prayer and reflection, he realized that after having loved Julia, he knew that no other woman would ever elicit the kind of emotion that she had within him, and it would be unfair to any future woman he would court as his heart would never fully be invested. So it was thus that he accepted the consequence for his inaction and settled for loving Julia from afar.

It was the best he could hope for in this life.

* * *

8.) Keeping Company in the Klondike

When he'd decided to run away to the Klondike, the last thing he'd been looking for was a lover. But, he found one nonetheless. And truth be told, he wasn't unhappy about it. It was a nice contrast to the overwhelming loneliness and heartache, and the physical contact was quite pleasurable.

He'd asked about a bath, and she had offered him the use of hers, an offer he accepted. It had never been his intention to seduce her, but once she'd propositioned him by reaching into the towel wrapped around his waist and stroking him, he legitimately could think of no reason not to accept her offer, and it was thus that he ended up in Mrs. Bryant's bed as her lover.

He'd been reticent of course, as the last thing he was looking for was love-he was done with it as it only brought pain and loss. But she was astute at reading people as well, and had sensed his reluctance, and assured him that she wasn't looking for love either-just companionship.

Companionship he could do, and he found the pillow talk afterwards most enjoyable as he lay beside her, but not holding her as he'd sworn that he'd never hold another woman again.

"So tell me, Mr. Murdoch. You don't strike me as the sort of man who decides to abandon all and flee here-not unless you're running away from something," she asked, lying on her side facing him.

He laughed. "I suppose I had my reasons," he answered.

Leaning up on one elbow, her dark hair trailing down over her arm, William noted that she was quite lovely in a way that was different from Julia.

"Let's see, you could be running from a crime, perhaps burglary or even murder, but you don't strike me as a nefarious type. No, you've run away from something else. A woman, perhaps," she continued. "You don't seem the type to abandon anyone, so I'm guessing she left you, and she hurt you badly. How am I doing?" she asked.

"A keen observation, Mrs. Bryant. You are not incorrect," William replied with a chuckle as he cupped a breast in his hand, running a thumb over the nipple to elicit a response as well as put an end to a conversation he didn't feel like having.

Taking the hint, she moaned and rolled onto her back, silently inviting him to roll onto her, which he gladly did.

"Just for the record, Mr. Murdoch, neither one of us is looking for love, correct? Just companionship and mutually satisfying one another's needs, yes?" she queried.

"Yes, indeed," he replied, positioning himself between her legs and kissing her roughly as he thrust into her.

After his night with Betty as a teenager, he had recommitted to his pledge to save himself for his wife, and despite the considerable temptations he had faced, he had held to that promise. But now that he had acknowledged that there would never be a wife, he saw no reason to adhere to that oath.

As for God's disappointment at his actions, well, he wasn't sure that he cared about that right now. He was disappointed in God as much as he was with himself, so he figured he'd make it right with Him if he ever got over that disappointment.

As for Mrs. Bryant, she gave him a standing invitation to come visit her when he needed a break from his claim and desired a real bed, away from the rustic camp.

He assured her that he'd be back.

* * *

9.) Passion

 ** _"Women marry for many reasons, William. Not always for passion. Women are taught to hide their passion. And not only women; men too. Don't you feel that way sometimes, William?"_**

One look at the twinkle in her eyes, and William knew that not only was Anna speaking about the victim Lucille Messing, but issuing an invitation as well, leaning halfway forward to meet him for a kiss.

Smirking, he tossed his reservations aside for the moment and met her for said kiss, which quickly led to the removal of clothes and it wasn't long before he found himself carrying her to her bed and climbing on top of her.

"Was this what you meant by passion, Anna," he asked, panting for breath.

"It's certainly a start, but I want you to completely let go-you're still holding on. Where's Harry? He certainly knows how to throw caution to the wind," she dared, pulling his hair.

Sensing that he was being challenged, he decided to rise to the challenge.

"Oh, would he now? What else would Harry do?" he asked, nipping at an ear.

"He wouldn't hesitate to have his way with the lady, all the while showing her a very good time" she responded, scratching her nails down his back.

"Indeed," he replied, pinning her arms over her head and capturing her mouth in a rough kiss.

The next day at work he contemplated the previous night and how enjoyable it had been (his aching back notwithstanding). The nights with Mrs. Bryant in the Klondike had been comfortable and consolatory, time with a friend who had soothed his wounded heart, whereas last night with Anna had been one of the most exciting nights of his life. It was passionate, at times primal, and he had risen to Anna's challenge to embrace his alter ego, Harry. He had not known that he had that side to him to be so animalistic and rough with a lady, but it had undoubtedly been thrilling to say the least. Their connections were, without a doubt, physically satisfying for him and he hoped that they had been enjoyable for her as well.

But was it truly who he was? He'd long known that he was more than capable of becoming his father if he dropped all of his reserve, and Anna had even unknowingly named his alter ego Harry, and she was undoubtedly attracted to him, but did he want to live his life as Harry just to have Anna? Could he relax somewhat and be a combination of Harry and William to meet her needs? He somehow knew that Anna would never be satisfied with just William.

William was and would always be bound to Julia, who was forever lost to him. If he wanted to embrace Harry and leave William behind, he could come home to Anna each night provided he could arrange for her safety. But if she couldn't stay in Toronto, did he want to move elsewhere and start anew? It was something Harry would do, but would William do it? Harry had run away to the Klondike, but William had reasserted himself and he had eventually returned home to Toronto.

Being with Anna would be enjoyable, and preferable to being alone. But to do so, would he have to become Harry, and was that something he even wanted to do?

* * *

10.) His Wedding Night

Once upon a time in the not so distant past, when he'd been particularly lonely and was waiting for Julia to extricate herself from Darcy (something she begged him to stay out of), and later to move past the guilt of his death, sometimes late at night he wondered if waiting for her was the right thing to do. But those moments were brief and few and knowing that the reward was Julia was near, he was content to wait.

Finally, his wait was over. His wedding day had dawned, taken place, and he was now enjoying his wedding night. With Julia, no less, and oh dear God, was it ever glorious.

He'd briefly chastised himself for losing faith and being with other women, but as their first and second times together in physical union had quickly shown him, his previous experiences only further convinced him that nothing would ever compare to her, and he'd been right to wait for Julia to be his bride.

As they lay in an exhausted heap on their bridal bed, finishing off a late night snack to make up for their missed dinner and to replenish their bodies for further activities soon to come, William looked around their opulent honeymoon suite and again at his wife _(his wife!)_ , and concluded that he had never been happier. He could die at that moment and would have no regrets.

Standing up to tidy their mess from their small repast so that that they could soon resume their carnal activities, the sight of Julia's bare bottom as she bent over, reminded him that he was in no hurry to go anywhere anytime soon.

Not wanting her to dress to call for the removal of their meal, William helped her load the cart and pushed it out into the hall himself (leaving a tip under the plate), not bothering to redress himself and briefly exposing himself to anyone who may have walked by in the hall. Luckily, no one had. He called down to the front desk and arranged for the pickup.

"My, my, my, Mr. Murdoch. How you surprise me, anyone could have seen you, husband," she teased him after he closed the door.

"Perhaps, but it was a risk worth taking as I did not want you to dress in any shape or form, wife," he retorted with a lecherous grin on his face, while calculating the angles and deciding to take his chance.

Leaping into the air, he tackled Julia at the same time, bringing both of them back onto the bed that squeaked and groaned under the unexpected force, but ultimately did not break.

As Julia squirmed with laughter beneath him, her hair loose around her face just the way he liked it, he lightly ran his hand up and down her uncorseted ribcage-a particularly ticklish spot he'd just discovered just a couple of hours ago, only serving to increase said squirming and laughter.

"William, what has gotten into you? I've never seen this side of you," she asked through her laughter.

"Never? You've never seen me like this? Come now, Julia. I think you've seen me well pleased at some time, haven't you?" he wondered.

Surely she had. She made him so happy, he hoped that she would have seen his pleasure at her mere presence at some point, wouldn't she?

"Julia, you must have noticed that you please me immensely at some time or another," he asked, ceasing his tickling to roll onto his back, taking her with him, and carefully pulling her head to his chest so that he could just simply hold her.

"Happy, yes. I've seen you happy plenty of times, William, but I meant playful. I've never seen you be so playful, and I must say that I quite like it. It suits you," she finished, lightly tracing her finger around one of his nipples.

"You've never seen me married to you, before," he replied after a few moments. "I'm with my beautiful bride in the bridal suite of the Queen's Hotel, and I've finally had a chance to make love to her. I'm most content, and very, very happy that I've finally had that chance," he explained.

Sitting up to better look at him, his arms immediately felt bereft of her presence. But he had to admit, he was rewarded with a spectacular view of which he would also never tire. Not surprisingly, he felt his body began to respond to her.

But then, he was typically in a state of near-constant semi-arousal around her most of the time anyway. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

"You know, I take that back. I have seen you like this before, William. Last summer at the beach when you wore nothing but your well-fitting bathing costume. It was the first time I'd seen you so casually presented when you were healthy," she stated.

He blushed at the memory, his costume hid nothing and he was worried how Julia would respond to his body displayed in such a manner. He'd been relieved when she had told him that all of his cycling had been beneficial-a comment she had backed up just moments later by running her hands all over his body.

To be fair, he couldn't keep his hands from roaming either under the cover of the water either. His erection had been most obvious.

"Yes, now that I think about this, you are a different man when you're not all proper in your suit. You're different, and I quite like it. It's almost as if your tie holds you in check-it's really quite Freudian, really. In fact, I would assume that there are some…WILLIAM!" she yelped as he abruptly flipped their positions.

Tucking her solidly beneath him, he positioned himself over her, cradling her head between his hands. "Yes, Mrs. Murdoch, I believe in public propriety, but even I must relax sometimes," he whispered, his voice hoarse with desire. Doubting himself when he saw the look of surprise on her face, he second-guessed himself.

"If it frightens you Julia, I can better control it. I would never hurt you, I assure you that…"

It was her turn to silence him, this time with a finger to his lips. "I'm not frightened, William, but I am surprised. Pleasantly so, I must say. It excites me to know that there's this side to you-I suspected it was so, and I was hoping our honeymoon would bring it out in you," she answered with a lecherous grin of her own.

Bringing her hand to his lips to kiss, he stopped to admire the sight of his rings there.

"Knowing that they're there excites you, doesn't it William?" she asked, referring to her rings.

"Yes, it does," he admitted.

"I'm yours, William. I belong to you now, husband. But remember, you're just as much my property, and I fully intend to defend what is mine from anyone I see fit," she announced to him.

"I happily cede ownership to you. Officially, that is. Unofficially, I've belonged to you for years, Julia," he replied.

"Hmmm, mutual ownership. Most intriguing and a very nice piece to our modern marriage, Mr. Murdoch," she conceded.

"Indeed," he stated as he captured her mouth in a kiss and they began their explorations of one another anew.


End file.
